Temples of His unending grace

One of my goals this year was to be more active with this blog. Well... it's the end April and I have yet to post. The old me would get all upset and worked up over this, but not anymore. I've experienced this little thing called God's grace and He has shown me the value in knowing and accepting His grace. I recently read a quote that really stuck with me:

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."

Man that is so powerful and humbling. If you think about it... we are << t e m p l e s >> of His unending grace . And the craziest part? We don't deserve any of it. I feel we can get so caught up worrying and comparing ourselves to other's lives. When we compare, we start believing that things aren't fair. This desire of "fairness" builds, but as my Pastor beautifully put it: "don't ask for 'fair,' ask for grace. 'Fair' would be paying for our daily sins, and let's be real that would not be pretty. Shift your perspective and start asking for His grace." So when you think about it the definition of grace "unmerited, undeserved, unearned favor," you begin to realize how much we don't deserve Him, yet He continues to give Himself to us: His love. His comfort. His guidance. His refuge. His everything. You begin to realize that nothing you do or do not do changes how He views us. What a flippin' relief. Every hour, every minute, every second of every day He extends Himself to us, inviting us in to be with Him. Period. Let's live as such; anticipating God will intervene any and every second.

After nearly a year passing since submitting my Medical School applications... I have 2 more schools to hear back from. 2. Out of about 30. Did I have hopes this process would have gone differently? You bet. Did I pray that I would have already gotten an interview and been accepted by now? 100%. Did I think that even if I hadn't gotten an interview I would have at least heard back from every school by now? Yup. Have I wanted to accept defeat and start planning what I am going to do next? Oh yes. However, something has been on my heart to just wait, continue to wait before making any moves. This has been one of the toughest, tiresome, draining things I have ever had to go through. I have been pressing into God and accepting His invite to meet Him where I am at as much as I can, praying that I grow with and through Him throughout this process. I am beyond thankful that I have been able to do so as much as I have. I owe it to the support and guidance from my Pastor and dear friends who have allowed me to vent and have poured Jesus in to me, fueling my desire to press in to Him. Recently, I have been playing the new Bethel CD on repeat and the song "Take Courage" struck me the first time I heard it. I am not sure if it is just me, but for some reason certain lyrics don't register or really hit me until specific moments, typically not the first time listening to the song. I began writing out this post and "Take Courage" came on... I stopped in my tracks and just sat mesmerized, listening to every single word. These lyrics could not have come at a more perfect time.

"Take courage, my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting.
Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing"

He is IN this waiting. And He NEVER fails. Friends, isn't there is something so comforting about that declaration?! He is with us and never fails us. We think having all the answers to every part of our lives will make life so great, but in reality we don't have to have any answer to obey Him. He invites us in and asks us to be with Him. We just have to take the invitation. Pray to Him, praise Him, talk to Him, sit with Him. Shifting our perspective to make Him and His vision our priority is the answer and friends, let me tell you, it changes everything; we start to see HIM in everything.

Waiting = obeying God. (my previous post is actually about this too.. clearly there's a theme here. That post can be found here!)

It takes courage to chose to trust Him and not doubt.
It takes courage to chose to hold on to the hope He gives and not run to earthly desires.
It takes courage to chose to stand in confidence in His truths and not hide in fear and the lies we tell ourselves.

Funny thing is... He gives us the courage we need when we choose Him. HE NEVER FAILS. Let's all choose Him with confidence knowing He fills us with courage and never fails. He has already won friends. And that truth right there is enough to get me through this season. He waited for me to surrender my heart to Him and I will wait for Him to reveal His glory. This waiting may be frustrating, but knowing He is working all things together for MY good. OHHHHH man, I'll wait for that. And I will thank and praise Him for the grace He extends when I disobey.

Thank you LORD for this beautiful reminder. Thank you for the grace you so freely extend to us, daily. Thank you for your invitation to be with You every moment and thank you that none of my actions affect that.
Thank you for Your sovereignty that kindly reminds me that You have gone before me, every single step of this journey. Lord thank you for revealing Yourself to me in those moments I so desperately need You. Thank you for your love and presence that kindly reminds me You are with me every step of this journey. I lift my all my anxieties, worries, doubts, confusion, and frustration up to You, knowing You are working it all together for MY good. I will wait in obedience, knowing that when my time comes, YOUR glory will be revealed. God I thank you for being so patient with me when I disobey You, and teaching me to be patient with myself. Thank you for showing up and showing off, even when I don't ask. Thank you for Your VICTORY.


AMEN.

A season of "waiting"

I've been in a season of "waiting." Waiting for responses from medical schools, waiting for my body to heal from two surgeries, waiting waiting waiting. Today I was blessed with the lesson that "waiting" is a form of obedience to God's word/truth. This blew my mind. Of course I know He asks us to be patient often, but I always see waiting as a burden. Heck, don't we all?! We all want results now. Better yet, we all want results of OUR plan now. When I shifted my perspective of waiting as a burden to waiting as obedience, I was able to realize God's sovereignty. In my waiting place I cling to the hope that God will not leave my story unfinished or unredeemed. And it's so important to remember our story MAY NOT (and probably won't) LOOK AS WE EXPECTED but, our story is His story. We can wait with hope and we can trust and obey with confidence. Thanks be to God. know He is up to something big for me. That I know. I have this deep down feeling He is doing some great work for me I just need to be patient.
Lord grant me the patience to be obedient and wait with the Lord. When it gets hard to wait; draw my heart closer to you. Allow me to press in to your word and wisdom for the reminder. The reminder of what you and Jesus did for us. Remind me not to worry because You are in control. And WHEN things don't happen as I planned let this serve as a reminder of your sovereignty. They aren't going to happen as I planned and I need to understand that. What you are doing I could not even conjure up in my greatest of imaginations. Your plan for me is far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

Proverbs 31 Women

Can I get an AMEN?! It is so sad and scary to think how different the virtuous woman depicted in the Bible is from what society values today. Charm, beauty, among all other shallow things are all temporary. We are all so consumed about how people view us (I'm most guilty!), how many likes we can get, or followers (etc) that we go as far as twisting ourselves into something we aren't created to be. We lose sight of our Creator and quite frankly are running in the opposite direction from Him. We are created in his image and each of us are completely and 100% unique- there is no one the same as you, how beautiful is that?! Instead of changing and striving to be like someone else, get close to the Lord and He will mold you into something far greater than you could ever even imagine. Let's empower one another to stop fearing other people's opinions and start fearing the Lord, whose opinion is the only one that matterd. Let us empower one another to forget society's expectations and live loved by our mighty creator. Let us empower one another to stop wasting time conforming to unreal expectations that society values and start using that time to grow with God and let him mold us.

Present Over Perfect

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. No words to describe how powerful an transforming it was for me. This only touches upon the lessons I've learned reading this book. I recommend this book with my whole heart!

Finding beauty in the quiet times. I've always been the one who creates the most hectic crazy schedule, lives on-the-go, and avoids quiet alone time. After reading Present Over Perfect I've learned so many valuable lessons.
>>1. I am not alone. Society these days is so much about exhausting or starving yourself to get that promotion or the desirable body image on that celebrity everyone adores. We are all in it together, the only difference is what we turn to, to avoid the truth and hurt that comes with it.

>>2. What we turn to is a way of masking and avoiding the fear of what we would truly face and uncover in the alone time. For me it's creating a hectic schedule, striving for perfection, and pushing my body past its limits. For others it can be alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, negativity, anything, you name it.

>>3. All these things prevent us from listening to God's word, truly embracing it, and growing with Him.

>>4. Those things we do to avoid alone time are killing our soul. Striving for perfection is slowly killing my soul. In three of the four Gospels Jesus asks, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul." The whole world meaning whatever you've ever wanted- whatever success means to you. Striving to gain the "good life" (whatever it even means), running toward pleasing people to "prove" your worth, striving to make more money to have the fancy things, choosing to work out when your body hasn't slept properly in days, etc. So you achieve it all, under the surface of that perfect life is exhaustion, or isolation, or emptiness. There will be a deep ache from trying to prove your worth. We drain our souls in that exhausting, empty, isolating journey. We push aside something that can feel emotions and connect with people. So why are we so quick to throw our souls aside and drudge along in search of something we wouldn't even be able to enjoy? Reading that wisdom made me realize that's what I've been missing. I've learned that in this alone time I am revealing more and more of my soul. And honestly, I crave alone time more and more now. Especially when I become stressed. Instead of turning to fear and anxiety, I just want to sit in God's presence because it is the only place that is truly safe. Our souls are what allow us to connect- with God, with other people, with nature, with art. Because of this, I've been able to connect with God, people, and nature now more than I ever have in my life.

>>5. I've been so caught up in bending and twisting myself according to others that I didn't even know what I truly enjoyed or what I didn't.
I've learned how to say no- to invitations, things, people, etc. That the freedom that comes from standing up and making a decision because it's what I feel is right for me, not looking to anyone else's opinion on the matter. The meaning of my yes has come to mean so much more, when I do use it. Saying no to busyness just because, to the extra this or that because it's offered, and no to judging myself in the mirror. And saying yes to alone time, to true connection, affirmations, and to things that feed my soul.

>>6. I've learned that I've been hiding my feelings and true emotions; putting on a front to seem strong, never asking for help. That has created someone who doesn't know how to truly feel or know how to open up to people because she never has. I've leaned that in the same way that I didn't allow myself to be taken care of by people, I didn't know how to let myself be taken care of by God. I had struggled with truly grasping God's unconditional love because I've never allowed myself to be loved by anyone else. Numbing my feelings has not only prevented me from feeling hurt, but it has prevented me from feeling true joy, love, and happiness.

>>7. With that mindset of numbing everything and not addressing the hurt, I've been placing a filter on everything I perceive. Between Jesus' voice and even conversations with people.
This book has taught me that what we hear from others and Jesus is filtered through results of what we've gone through and what we've heard from people of influence (whether negative or positive). I had been letting the experience of negative influence filter what I heard from Jesus from what he was really saying. Sitting in alone time has allowed me to recognize that, address it, and work to see things for what they truly are. The friend that doesn't want to come over doesn't mean she doesn't want to hang out with me because "I'm not good enough." The compliments people give to others doesn't mean "I'm not good enough." I've been so trained to expect criticism and disappointment and to push my feelings aside that I was doing that with Jesus. His unconditional love was only felt if I had proven Him I deserved it. I was so quick to pray for forgiveness that I didn't even see what He was trying to say all along. He's telling us that He is not criticizing us for failing, He is extending His hand to pick us up and giving us wisdom to help us figure out why we are falling in the first place. Boy does that change everything. He wants to solve it with us. We just have to ACCEPT his invitation. He gives us endless love, grace, and mercy, we just have to ACCEPT it. When we do, we feel worthy and we can stop trying to find it in other places.

S A V E D B Y C H R I S T >> season of revival and growth

Saved by Christ.

I am kicking myself now for not writing this post sooner, but I have been completely overwhelmed in the best way possible with the way God is working in my life right now. More things have come to fruition than I ever thought was possible. I am gaining new knowledge and wisdom through the Lord daily and He continues to blow my mind.

My last post was right at the beginning of my revival... I had just reconnected with a dear friend/old volleyball teammate from college that I thought I lost, and a dear friend I had played softball with since I was a little girl. It is hard to put into words what exactly they have done for me, but it has been a massive blessing to say the least. God placed these two girls back in my life, at that moment, specifically to guide me back to Him. As I say it, they are God's angels sent by God to save me. Both have shed God's wisdom, love, grace, and mercy on me and have lead me to where I am now.

Friend from college/old teammate: Christina
It had been about 3 years since I had seen her. One day, I got a sudden urge to message her on Facebook; I explained how much I missed her, how I enjoyed seeing all her happiness after leaving CT through Facebook and asked her if she would want to get together. She was overjoyed I had reached out and we met up for coffee that same week. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect, but let me tell you, God knew exactly what was going to happen. Christina opened up and shared her story with me. Her vulnerability was beyond inspiring and her revival with Christ was even more so. I shared what had been going on in the past few years of my life and we were connected on such a deeper level. (Background info: When I first met Christina, back in CT, we immediately connected. As our other teammates would go tanning in between practices on double days; Christina and I would go sit in a lounge talking about life and God. I knew right then that we would be great friends. Christina saw the madness of our coach and was able to escape after her freshman year, hence the 3 years since I had seen her) Anywho, we shared something that I have never been able to share with anyone before. She understood everything I went through in CT because she was once there too. Sharing the same values, beliefs, and views, we encountered the same struggles in CT. She understood what I went through and knew exactly how I felt, which was a huuuge weight lifted off my shoulders in itself. Christina shed light on her healing through J E S U S. She fearlessly explained the truth and power residing in the Gospel. That knowledge from the Gospel comes directly through God and this allows us to connect with Him on the deepest level. Now I am not going to lie, I was born and raised Catholic and the only time I ever picked up and read a Bible was for an assignment for religion classes throughout High School. I didn't know how to read it and how exactly I would get any sort of 'wisdom' out of it and that is what was keeping me from opening it in the first place... but here is where my dear friend I played softball with comes in...

Friend from childhood, softball teammate: Jayme
Back in August of 2015, a group of us teammates got together for dinner. I sat next to Jayme and our other friend Taylor. It almost felt as if we were having our own conversation most of the time... we just reconnected very easily. As soon as Jayme and I got to talking we began to realize how much of the same person we were. We ended up sharing food and this was the start of a my huge revival. From that moment on God sent Jayme after my heart. She continuously invited me to Flood, a church service on Thursday nights. Unfortunately I had a prior engagement on Thursdays; I was training for a half-marathon and Thursdays was a group run. A month later Jayme, Taylor, and I attended a worship night called Ignite and not to be funny... this truly ignited a spark inside me. I had never listened to worship music and never understood the power of it, however that night I was inspired and even more intrigued to try and make Flood one night. Of course God has a funny way of working out. Soon after Ignite, I had received the news that I should not run on my knee because of the extremely crappy condition it is in (3 surgeries later). This meant I would be a fool to continue training and run in the half marathon. Devastated on a whole new level for many reasons; I am never the one to listen to my body, give up on a challenge, or not complete something I said I was going to, to name a few. Unable to run any more... my Thursday nights became free and I attended Flood with Jayme for the first time.
I was immediately overwhelmed and overjoyed with the sense of God's love, a beautiful community, and complete peace with being uncomfortable. Again, I was completely in new waters after attending Catholic masses for 22 years of my life. Yeah it was awkward and uncomfortable because it wasn't what I was used to, but I experienced God's presence and felt God speaking that day more than I had in any Catholic mass I attended in my 22 years of life. That discomfort yet complete peace can only be explained through God. I was terrified and in awe all at the same time. A feeling I now know to follow in a lot places in life.. i.e. going to medical school- it completely terrifies me yet excites me all at the same time. It is how I know I am headed towards where God is leading me.

Flood. Flood. Flood. The magical Thursday nights that have impacted my life in more ways than I can explain. I was immediately captivated by the Pastor, Brian. I love the way he speaks- I am able to soak up every piece of knowledge and wisdom he sheds every Thursday night. He is beyond caring and goes out of his way to ask how my relationship with Jesus is going throughout the week. One night at Flood, Brian explained he was going to hold meetings for those who wanted to teach us how to read the Bible. Completely terrified yet completely compelled, I signed up and met with Brian. I just remember how embarrassed I felt because I didn't even own a Bible!! That day I met with Brian was the day my entire perspective changed... I began seeing things through God. I opened up to Brian, giving him a brief background on my life story. I was explaining the hard times I went through in CT and how I have been continuously asking God why, why I went through that, why didn't I go to another school where I could have been happier, why did I stray so far from Him, the list goes on but as I was speaking that, it hit me, it wasn't until I began to come to Flood, learned God's wisdom and grew closer to Him that if the only reason I was at SHU was to break me enough to get closer to Him, as I am now, then I don't care. All the hurt, all the pain, everything was worth it." Brian immediately opened his Bible and read 2 Corinthians 1:8-10, "For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." I broke out in tears as he read this to me. This was such a Jesus moment for me. For those that know me, I rarely cry, if ever YET the fact that Brian read three verses in a book of the Bible and I was in tears was straight proof of Jesus. It was unreal. I was there to learn how to read the Bible and I was completely exposed to how much truth it holds, first-hand. Brian taught me some tips and tricks and even bought me my first Bible a special moment that words won't come close to describing. That moment I completely understood the truth the Bible held that Christina was telling me about. Even more so, through the Gospel I have grown so much in God's wisdom it is truly indescribable and blows me away.

I have continually been able to see God's presence and hear His voice in ways I never knew were possible. The truth and wisdom I have acquired over just these past months have shifted my view on EVERYTHING. I cannot wait to grow even deeper with God throughout the rest of my life. Most recently at Flood, Brian said "You never know what things in the past God will use to show you He's been speaking to you all along and pointing you toward what He has next." WOW, how beautiful and spot on is that?! There are many ways I connected with that statement. 1) I met both Jayme in Christina in my past and God used them to show me what He's been speaking to me all along, pointing me to what He has next (my revival!) 2) We don't always see what God is doing now, but you see it on His time, which is the right time; Prior to my revival I was lost and mad at God and wondering why I had gone what I went through, yet looking back I now see what God was doing in my life. I had no idea what I was going through was preparation leading me back to Him. I now want to share my story on how my life is completely changed in the best way possible all because of Him! 3) The things you get out of what He tells you or reveals to you at a certain time can mean something completely different on a different day; I can go back in my journal and read what I wrote about a specific verse and I can connect with THAT same thing I wrote down with a completely different situation and different meaning... that to me just completely blows my mind!! 4) Just because He is silent right now does not mean He is not with you; We have to be okay with the quiet times because they push us to seek Him even harder.

I honestly cannot thank God enough for continually pursuing my heart, loving me even when I strayed, for showing me His presence, for giving me the people in my life who have lead me to Him and continue to push me to grow deeper and stronger in Him, standing alongside me as I continue to gain His wisdom.

<< Saved by His grace. Sitting in His love. Grateful for His mercy. >>

I have never been happier or prouder to say, I am a Child of God!

Transition of Identities: What's Next?

It's been over a year since I have written a post. I am not sure why, but I did have some hesitations about the blog. I just found this typed out on a sticky note on my computer from August 16th of this year... bear with me it is a long one, but I promise it is good:

"8.16.15 Transition of Identities: What's Next? 

I have been known as an "athlete" ever since I was a little girl. I have been involved with a sport for as long as I can remember. Growing up I competitively played soccer, softball, swim, gymnastics, to name a few. I quickly became known as the competitive player; I would do anything to lead my team and would cry if I lost. I fully admit I was a sore loser.. well maybe still am. Even outside of practice I was always on the go; I would organize hide and seek, tag, and baseball games in our coul-de-sac or with my friends. Whatever it was I was always full of energy and loved to be moving. Fast forward to high school; I decided to try out for the volleyball team for the fall and would play softball in the spring. I made the volleyball team and loved learning about the game. Thanks to my athleticism, I quickly picked up the game and I truly enjoyed the challenge. I was playing travel softball along with high school volleyball at the time. Now it was time for high school softball and tryouts for club volleyball. In which I played both again. After playing through both sports high school and travel ball for a year I realized it was not do-able if I wanted to keep up my academics. This meant it was time to decide which sport I would stick with; the sport I have been playing since I could walk, or the sport that sparked a new found love, energy, and challenge. I decided to take the challenge and I pursued volleyball. I began to improve and I soon earned a scholarship to play D1 volleyball in CT. Here is where the story gets good. I was unbelievably excited to get away for four years and play the sport that I have grown to love. My first year was amazing and it exceeded any expectation that I had envisioned. I started, and played well, and we won our conference and went on to play Stanford in the NCAA tourney. After a year like that I only imagined the other teams we would play the next four years in the tourney. Unfortunately, those expectations, dreams, and visions came to a shattering and very unexpected quick end. The second year was a little rough, with a lot of mental games from my Coach.  

Confidence has always been something I struggled with, it is genetic. I have been able to scape by through my hard work, athleticism, and ability to listen, but I always felt one step behind. This put a damper on my mental state and my coach was not understanding one bit. This is where I began to notice he was not the man he portrayed him self to be.  Moving me positions, saying contradictory things, benching me for no reason, etc. I moved it aside as I had so much respect for my team I didn't care what it took, as long as we were winning... well that would have been great if we were winning, but we weren't. The season ended and we did not make the NCAA tourney. I stayed hopeful, I have two more years to turn this around. Learning I was to be a captain for my junior year I was so excited. I worked hard all summer, got in great shape and was ready to come back and kick butt. Meanwhile that summer I dealt with a significant family issue and to make things more complicated I was taking Physics summer course to stay on top for my pre-med major too. 

Anywho, I came back from summer and the pre season started full swing. From day one the mental games from my coach started. It was so noticeable I even had the new freshman coming up to me asking "why is coach treating you like that?" "what are you even doing wrong?" "you are doing what he asks and still yells at you." Words coming from my teammates. And this was just the beginning. It was a constant battle whether or not I should have stood up for myself, but I've always been the non-confrontational type. Which, I truly think is why I was chosen for his mental games, I was an easy target and he knew that. Well, to make a long story short, the games continued the whole year and I saw the court very rarely. Again, I would have no problem if we were winning, but we were losing miserably and embarrassingly. Teams we were crushing in prior years were now crushing us. And to top it off, he was even more cruel to me because we were losing. Daily threats to be kicked off the team, daily mockings, and getting screamed at. We lost the season and didn't even make our conference championships. I had an injury the whole season and was so afraid to even mention anything because it would make what was going on even worse. I had NO idea how much this really affected me until just recently. I went to administration for help and notified them all that had happened. My dad advised to go to a counselor too, in which I did. I feel like I was going through the motions every appointment and even though I told her most of what happened I couldn't get across how much it affected me. However, she spoke with my dad once and stated "I didn't even need her to tell me how much it has affected her, I could see it from the moment she walked in and started telling me the story." Any who, after that season, I was looking to transfer. I was willing to do anything to get away from CT, and specifically my coach. However, any school I wanted to transfer to would only accept 60 credits max, I had 108 and only needed 12 more to graduate. It seemed extremely unreasonable to transfer and have to take two more years of classes. So the idea of graduating early came up and I pursued it. However, that would mean I had one more season of volleyball left with this coach, in which I had no interest in. On top of that after the last season, I found out I would need another knee surgery. So I decided to get the surgery after I took the MCAT and I went back to finish off my senior year. I quickly transitioned from being captain to being the scum on my coaches shoe. And it was perfectly okay with me because I was not emotionally invested in the program anymore. I know how terrible it sounds, trust me, but I wasn't going to let him affect me anymore and I wasn't going to let him win. Season came and went and sure enough senior night came. My last collegiate volleyball game, ever. It didn't register or settle with my until now. The identity I have made for myself these past 8 years of competitive volleyball and 18 years of competitive sports is now just an old chapter in my book. I am no longer a division 1 volleyball player, let alone a part of any competitive sport. Aside from mentally healing from family issues and an asshole coach, I haven't been able to truly spend time creating a new identity for myself or better yet finding my identity through a relationship with God. 

A lot has changed in the past few years and I couldn't even tell you what identity I am seeking, i.e. doctor, nurse, physician's assistant, physical therapist. And that is truly killing me.  I have a personality where I need to feel like I have a purpose and lately I haven't payed much attention to much of any of that. I have lost touch with God, once agin, and have completely turned into someone my old self would have despised. I cannot be too hard on myself right now because I am battling health issues. This is where it gets hard- what is me and what is the health issues affecting who I am. I KNOW the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, and the horrible attitude is not who I am and this is what kills me. I have promised myself time and time again to devote more time to writing, praying, and actually making a step in the right direction but I have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted and it felt like I keep making excuses. Writing this out, I know once I develop a relationship with God again, this will allow me to become who I am designed to be. My identity will be one that God has deliberately and beautifully planned just for me.

Graduating pre-med plus all the experiences I have been through recently have put a LOT of stress and pressure on me and my body is paying for it.  

My weaknesses are when I get in to a certain mood, I tend to focus on comparing other people's lives and situations to mine- which is highly unreasonable. Everyone's life is unique and I try and go back to that quote, "comparison is the thief of all joy." The more you think about that, the more it's truth hits you.  My life is mine and it is beautiful just as God has made it. 

I also tend to wonder why things aren't happening in my life at this moment in time- i.e. boyfriend, medical school, own apartment, etc. And again it's not fair to myself. This is where a beautiful and powerful bible verse comes in: 

Trusting God's plan takes courage, bravery, and most importantly hard work. Everything happens under His time and that is something I really need to focus on, daily. It should be a daily reminder.

God, when I get in these moods please bring me to Your attention. Allow me to be cognizant of Your power, love, and plan and the small phrases that will help me do that.  Again, I know He has a beautiful plan for me and I cannot wait to walk hand in hand with him to find out.

I recently found this note I wrote to myself during my last semester of college. I didn't realize how powerful it would be to me now. 98% of the time I am extremely hard on myself, in all aspects of life. However, there are these rare glimpses where I write down powerful words to myself and don't find till months later. After assuring myself I am worthy and work hard, a piece of the note read "I will not give up on my dream. I am no ordinary person. I am destined to do extraordinary things. I need to continue to believe that." Honestly, I wouldn't normally share things like that but I am really beginning to understand that loving yourself and believing in yourself is one of the most important tools to success. I have struggled with a lack of confidence all my life and I am just beginning to understand that through loving God, He will show you your worth and through trusting God you can believe it. I believe God was working through me whenever I would write the rare notes to myself. And I truly think occasionally writing notes to yourself is a great way to keep your mind on the God's truth, which is you ARE worthy and you CAN conquer your dream."

So... what's next? It is really weird that I just found this note today because it wasn't until very recently that I could have answered this question as I am now: 

I will delve further into my recently revived relationship with Christ in my next blog post but to close out this post...  the only identity I need is in Christ. What's next is I am a Christ Follower. That is my identity and I am working toward rebuilding a powerful relationship with God by walking with Christ. My identity is in Christ, period. These quotes are a little reminder of that:

Much love xo

 

Homesick

April 11, 2014

I'm at the point where I have been looking through old pictures from summer, just wishing I was home right now. It's almost Easter and if you don't know me, I am a big family person. Being away from home around the Holidays is one of the hardest things. Not too much stands in the way of going home, 35 days until Ireland. Now this is something I literally cannot wait for (saving it for another blog post). Anywho, after Ireland it'll be home home home. I mean I will be locked in my room studying 24/7 but I really won't mind it.  MCAT is scheduled for July 2nd. Mixed emotions- stressed, frightened, excited, all of the above.
Home means a lot to me now a days. When I was in high school and a freshman in college I was so happy to get away. I wanted to go explore and immerse in a different experience. As the years have passed by, I get more and more homesick. It definitely caused by the series of things I have gone through, with each thing I just realize how important it is to me to be around the people I love and the people that care about me. Life is honestly too short to live anywhere other than a place that makes you happy. Yes, there are these situations where a few sacrifices have to be made (having to stay out here for one more semester), but I know I need to find things that make me happy on a day to day basis to get through the rest of my time here. My strength is all owed to God. It is incredible to look back at everything I have gone through and see that I am still standing. Honestly, it's not humanly possible, the only thing I can say is God is the reason I am still standing. At the time I didn't realize his role but now I do and no words can describe how blessed and thankful I am.

BeYOUtiful

Forget the image if how it's "supposed to be." This does nothing but ruin what is in front of you. We are all completely unique; in the way we handle situations, make decisions, deal with hardships, find happiness... the list goes on. There is no set way someone's life is "supposed" to unfold. That is the mystery and journey you take with God. A journey completely unique to you. So stop comparing yourself to others and stop comparing your life to the inaccuracies of how everything says you are "supposed" to live. Take it one day at a time and trust God on this beautiful journey we call life. Embrace the experiences you go through, have your own opinion, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Friendships

I've come to a point in my life where I realize there is not point wasting my time and energy on people or things that make me unhappy. This may sound harsh but life is too short to wake up in the morning with any regrets. You have to love the ones who treat you right and forget those who don't. Friends will come and go, it is just a part of life. You have to accept that some friends are meant to stay in your life forever and some are meant to teach you a lesson. No matter how badly you want to stay friends with someone, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And you know what? I have finally realized that it's okay to not care sometimes.  I don't care about pursuing the friendship any longer, and "sometime" just so happens to be right now. I am starting to make decisions for myself and it hasn't ended well with some people, but I just have to accept that it wasn't meant to be. This was one of those "teach you a lesson" situations I talked about earlier. If they cannot understand why I made the decisions I have, I have to realize they were never a good friend to begin with. I just have to pray for them and their immaturity, that they may be able to see one day what I stand for. Its a bummer when people think that just because you are religious you think you're better than everyone else. That is the opposite of what I want. I want to be seen in the Light of God, I want to spread his love and teachings. And this is honestly the greatest lesson I have learned. I have struggled with the thoughts of "not everyone is going to like you" and "you can't please everyone" I've always repeated this to myself over and over again and Its made sense to me, but I have never been able to truly understand what it means. In order to truly accept it, you have to let go of your worry and care caused by the people that don't like you. Once you're able to let it go, it's no longer a negative aspect in your life and it won't deeply affect you. I'm not saying it's easy, trust me I've been struggling with it for years and years. It's liberating to finally realize that it's not worth my energy to fight against someone who doesn't see eye to eye with me. I know the people that care about me and love me, and those are the people that I will devote my love and energy to. 

Find those people in your life and give your love to them. Thank God for them. 

Lord, 

Allow me to forgive those who judge me, and allow me to show through example your word. I pray for those people who are going through these situations, on both ends. I pray for the ones being rude and not understanding that they may find you. Thank you for your strength day in and day out. 

Love you!

Staying Strong

Here we go again, 

Why do I struggle so much with confidence?

It's obviously who I am. Never been one to brag or be the center of attention. My actions, grades, everything continuously show that I have something to be confident about. But I think I'm one who seeks reassurance in everything. How do I deal with that? How do I overcome it? 

This whole coach thing is strengthening me. God has a plan. I just have to be patient. Results don't come over night, not in a month, maybe not even in a year but I know they're coming. My faith is too strong. Just continuously have to remind myself to be patient. My joy is coming and it's coming on His timing. I want my timing to be in sync with his. That's what heaven is I think. By having desires and goals this allows me to recognize His power. Because ultimately His plan is far greater than what I could want and He shows it. 

Staying strong. 

Acceptance

I have come to realize that I have a hard time with acceptance. I have this vision of what I want my life to look like, now or in the future and I get frustrated/upset when it does not happen the way I invisioned. When I think about it, I know it's absolutely crazy to think I can make my life the way I want it because if there's one thing that's for certain is that all we have control over is our attitude and mind set. Sure, you can have goals, dreams, desires- but by no means should we have a set plan. That's the big guy upstairs' plan. I just have a really hard time accepting that. This does not mean I do not trust God, but I know it definitely comes off that way. I just pray I gain the ability to distinguish what I think I deserve from what God knows I need. This is where one of my favorite prayers comes in:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the thing a I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

It is so simply said and so powerful. It reminds me of my parents bathroom- my mom had it in a frame sitting on her side of the vanity, a memory I will cherish as I try to live out the prayer. 

Acceptance, I need to truly start  accepting my life in the present moment and I need to let go of my strong planned views. I know God is just laughing up there at me because when I plan all this it basically me saying "my plan is better than yours" which is by all means NOT true. His plan is powerful, loving, and perfect if we truly understand and accept but it's not as easy as it sounds. Even better though, that's the beauty of your relationship with God- you have this desire to think a certain way despite human nature and it's hard yet when you keep the strong desire and faith in God, you will one day have a realization and everything will click, and if the day doesn't come before you pass away not only do you receive ultimate redemption but you go out trying to fulfill it. God is powerful, we just have to tune in to his power. 

Dear Lord,

As I try to focus my thoughts on you throughout the day, please be patient with me when my thoughts go astray. Please understand that my ultimate desire is to be in constant communication with you, that is my deep desire. Through communication with you I can live out your word and shed my light on other people. Do not let me get discouraged when I stray, but give me the strength to recognize it and fix it. Thank you for this relationship you and I have, it is through this where I see your true beauty. Amen. 

Inspiration

I have the strong desire to show people how amazing they are. I find the best qualities in people and want them know how unique it makes them. People are so quick to critique themselves and that carries over to critiquing other people. It could be so simple as to picking out the little things in yourself such as your hair.

When you find yourself critiquing... stop... counteract it with compliment to yourself and then try to compliment one person on that same thing you critiques yourself for. (Having a bad hair day? Tell yourself your skin is glowing today and tell someone how good their hair looks) When you manufacture positive energy you have no choice but to feel good about it, and even better it spreads!  Thats one of the characteristics I love to be known for, optimism/positive energy. With everything that has happened to me in the past few months I hate to admit I lost it all for a while. I was helpless and at rock bottom. But honestly, I can say I am beyond stronger now. I have conquered adversity and my positive energy is finding it's way back and bursting through me again. 

I don't want to blame it on where I go to school but honestly the people at my school and the people in the area are nothing compared to the people I want to associate myself with. You know that quote, "surround yourself with those that will lift you up"? Yeah well I know as soon as I graduate I'm getting the heck out of there. I'm currently in a crappy situation. I would transfer today at the drop of the hat, but I'm a junior neuroscience biology major with a minor in psych and chemistry in college and have enough credits to graduate this fall. It seems extremely unreasonable to leave when I only need 11 more credits, have made so many connections with all my professors, and better yet I am SO close to being done. But here's the downfall, I am not myself out there, I am not happy, and I haven't found the people that I truly connect with.  So here's the question- to what extent to I sacrifice my happiness and my mental sanity/health? It is such a tough decision and typing it all out now my gut is telling me to stay. Tough out august-December and then I'm done. I will be able to say I overcame so much adversity, gratuated in 3 and 1/2 years as a pre-med with a concentration of neuroscience biology, and did it while playing a D1 sport which will be an incredible feeling. Something I need to do for myself. As someone who doesn't value myself as much as I should, I don't make decisions based on what is best for me. And sometimes what is best for me again is not what I want. What I want is to go home, what's best for me is to clearly stick it out for a semester and then be done. The more I talk about it, the more it excites me. So I stay, my goal will to be myself more, no matter who surrounds me and what they say about me. Deep down I am goofy, caring, loving, positive, loyal, spiritual, and faithful person. Yeah, I fear what people think to much and I need to start doing things to get rid of that fear. In order to inspire others I need to be able to love myself, entirely. For who I am, my value is given by God and no one else. I cannot wait for the day I truly comprehend that. For now I just have to stay patient and not be so hard on myself, this will allow me to confident and accept where I am at right now. It's coming. Things are only going to go up from here. 

First day of Lent. 

Goals? 

No frozen yogurt (major weakness of mine)

Going to compliment one person a day 

10 minutes devoted to God.

1. Simplicity

2. Sincerity

3. Joy 

Pleasing everyone

I have a hard time with this. I am a people pleaser, and on top of that I worry to much about what people think.

 I waste too much time trying to figure out what people are thinking- ruining myself in the process. Instead of wasting that time trying to figure out what people are thinking, I can be devoting that time to my relationship with God- allowing myself to grow both spiritually and mentally. Until recently, I never realized how much I will alter who I am for other people. These past few months have really opened my eyes to a lot. I thought I understood those saying when people said "enemies? that means you've stood up for what you believe in" or "you can't please everyone, trying to is setting yourself up for failure" but honestly looking back I did not fully understand the meaning behind those quotes. Or maybe it is not that I did not understand, I just did not listen and apply them. Ultimately, either it was because I did not know how or just did not want to make the effort. That being said, I want to make the conscious choice to fully understand the deeper meaning of those sayings/quotes. It is about time. People can go their whole lives trying to please people, but I believe that they are not allowing themselves to reach their ultimate potential. They are stopping themselves from becoming what God has set out for them to be. In other words, they are setting up for a life of unhappiness. I believe t r u e happiness lies with those who have the self-confidence, mental strength, and will power to not only make the choices needed to become the best version of themselves they can be, but to carry them out as well. Whether that is waking up 10 minutes earlier to spend alone time with God, adding exercising into their schedule, finding things to laugh at throughout the day, smiling at a stranger, learning that a relationship may no longer be beneficial, learning to let go of something, and ultimately acknowledging and accepting changes in your life. It takes time to figure out exactly what makes you happy and as time passes the things that make you happy will change. I am still trying to figure it all out, heck we all are. And of course we are never going to get it perfectly right, we are not supposed to. That is the beauty of our relationship with God.He knows what he is doing and He ultimately has our best interest, we just have to trust that. I have found when I do not worry or stress about the things I cannot control I am able to put that energy toward much more beneficial things. 

Do not alter who you are just to please people or to blend in. It takes true strength to stand up for your morals and values. Hey you will lose some friends in the process, but you have to look at it this way- if they were really your friend they would appreciate you for the real you. So if they do not appreciate the real you, I hate to say it but they were never really a true friend. It is time to start making choices for yourself. At the end of the day you are the only one that has to deal with the choices you make, so you might as well chose what is going to make yourself happy. You just have to be okay with knowing that some of those choices will piss people off, and you will find a lot of people who disagree with the way you life but it is not their life it is yours. 

Yes life is serious but nothing is for certain. At the end of the day make the decisions that will make you happy. The people that accept these choices are your true friends (and obviously family).  Love those people who treat you right (the ones who love you, care about the real you, and accept your choices) and forget about those who don't. No one said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. 

Just to add one of my favorite prayers-

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Control

Recent circumstances have really showed me this is something I struggle with. I've gone through a lot lately and yes it's been hell, but like they say there's always a good to every bad. Well throughout this rough journey, I have truly learned a lot about myself. Some good, some bad. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I am becoming even stronger, I have learned who my true friends are, but I am stubborn, insecure, lack confidence, and I feel the need to have control over any thing I encounter. The whole trying to have control over everything is a big problem. Ultimately because the only one thing we can control in life is ourselves. But even deeper, God has control. Anxiety comes from trying to control circumstances that are completely out our hands. When we try to plan our future, it's almost a slap in the face to God. And I'm the first to admit I'm one of the biggest culprits. I tell myself it's not that I don't trust Him, but my actions shout it. I worry so much about controlling my future when I know ultimately God has it all worked out for me. Honestly I think I just see what has happened around me and it scares me so that's what drives this need to control, but then again I know my competitiveness and major do not help in facilitating this as well. Being a pre-med major playing a d1 sport, planning my future has always been a thought in my mind. It's time I learn that I can control my feelings, actions, thoughts, attitude, and desires, but in no means can I control what medical school I will end up at, who I will marry, when I'll get married, the list goes on. This is where F A I T H comes in. As much as we think we can plan our future, God just sits and laughs at us because it is quite ridiculous. When we stop trying to plan our future, not only do we rid ourselves of unnecessary anxiety, we are able to put our energy towards the present moment. We are able to strengthen our relationship with God and experience the joy that comes with this relationship. Having faith in God means trusting His plan for us, trusting His timing, and the outcome that reveals itself. Everything truly does happen for a reason and sometimes we find out that reason and other times we don't. And again, faith comes in when we do not find out the reasons. The beauty of life lies in the fact that when we have full faith in God and put all our trust in him, nothing can surprise us. When we keep our eyes on Him, we are able to see all that He is doing for us, which is all we need. 

Obviously it's easier said than done but that is the beauty of faith, if it was easy it wouldn't be rewarding. We aren't perfect for a reason. When we stop trying to control our lives, we have more time and energy to devote to ourselves, this allows us to make ourselves the best versions of "ourself" we can be. When we do this, we know our values, desires, qualities, and are able to love ourself. That right there is the only tool we need to handle what is thrown our way. 

My goal- less time trying to control, more time given to God.

Transition

Life is just a series of transitions

These transitions are given by God as a way to say "what you have now no longer serves you, here is something better." Some of these transitions come when we want/expect them to, but most come when we least expect them. It is up to us to recognize and accept when one comes along. Having Faith in God that the situation at hand may be crappy now, but you have to know that things get worse so they can get better. We need to think of these transitions as a blessing in disguise. These transitions are perfect situations that are showing us we need to stop and reflect on ourselves; how do I deal with stressful situations, what do I really want out of the situation I am in and you need to tell yourself "I am strong enough to walk away" if the situation does not give you what you want . We need to take the opportunity to be strong enough to say this no longer serves me, the future may be scary but I know it is in God's hands. To me that is the beauty of faith. That fear is what allows us to lean on God and thus strengthen the relationship we have with him. 

Transition- its a powerful thing. If you think about it, they are unique to each individual. Two people going through the same sort of transition can end up on two separate paths and I believe attitude is the biggest determinant of that. If you believe what you are going through is going to ruin your life, you are giving yourself no choice but to believe it. You just foster a negative attitude and it leaves you with nothing but unhappiness. If you believe that this situation was given to you to serve a purpose and you will come out a stronger and wiser person, you are giving yourself the opportunity to see the beauty of God's work. Your optimism, with your faith in God, allows you to soak up everything out of the situation and you are able to overcome it faster and on top. 

Be strong, have faith, and take some chances. Make choices that take you out of your comfort zone. God is always right behind you to catch you if you fall. Thank God for your hardships, you'd be surprised by how much it changes your life. 

Starting to blog the words bottled up inside, let's see how this goes.