Control

Recent circumstances have really showed me this is something I struggle with. I've gone through a lot lately and yes it's been hell, but like they say there's always a good to every bad. Well throughout this rough journey, I have truly learned a lot about myself. Some good, some bad. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I am becoming even stronger, I have learned who my true friends are, but I am stubborn, insecure, lack confidence, and I feel the need to have control over any thing I encounter. The whole trying to have control over everything is a big problem. Ultimately because the only one thing we can control in life is ourselves. But even deeper, God has control. Anxiety comes from trying to control circumstances that are completely out our hands. When we try to plan our future, it's almost a slap in the face to God. And I'm the first to admit I'm one of the biggest culprits. I tell myself it's not that I don't trust Him, but my actions shout it. I worry so much about controlling my future when I know ultimately God has it all worked out for me. Honestly I think I just see what has happened around me and it scares me so that's what drives this need to control, but then again I know my competitiveness and major do not help in facilitating this as well. Being a pre-med major playing a d1 sport, planning my future has always been a thought in my mind. It's time I learn that I can control my feelings, actions, thoughts, attitude, and desires, but in no means can I control what medical school I will end up at, who I will marry, when I'll get married, the list goes on. This is where F A I T H comes in. As much as we think we can plan our future, God just sits and laughs at us because it is quite ridiculous. When we stop trying to plan our future, not only do we rid ourselves of unnecessary anxiety, we are able to put our energy towards the present moment. We are able to strengthen our relationship with God and experience the joy that comes with this relationship. Having faith in God means trusting His plan for us, trusting His timing, and the outcome that reveals itself. Everything truly does happen for a reason and sometimes we find out that reason and other times we don't. And again, faith comes in when we do not find out the reasons. The beauty of life lies in the fact that when we have full faith in God and put all our trust in him, nothing can surprise us. When we keep our eyes on Him, we are able to see all that He is doing for us, which is all we need. 

Obviously it's easier said than done but that is the beauty of faith, if it was easy it wouldn't be rewarding. We aren't perfect for a reason. When we stop trying to control our lives, we have more time and energy to devote to ourselves, this allows us to make ourselves the best versions of "ourself" we can be. When we do this, we know our values, desires, qualities, and are able to love ourself. That right there is the only tool we need to handle what is thrown our way. 

My goal- less time trying to control, more time given to God.