Homesick

April 11, 2014

I'm at the point where I have been looking through old pictures from summer, just wishing I was home right now. It's almost Easter and if you don't know me, I am a big family person. Being away from home around the Holidays is one of the hardest things. Not too much stands in the way of going home, 35 days until Ireland. Now this is something I literally cannot wait for (saving it for another blog post). Anywho, after Ireland it'll be home home home. I mean I will be locked in my room studying 24/7 but I really won't mind it.  MCAT is scheduled for July 2nd. Mixed emotions- stressed, frightened, excited, all of the above.
Home means a lot to me now a days. When I was in high school and a freshman in college I was so happy to get away. I wanted to go explore and immerse in a different experience. As the years have passed by, I get more and more homesick. It definitely caused by the series of things I have gone through, with each thing I just realize how important it is to me to be around the people I love and the people that care about me. Life is honestly too short to live anywhere other than a place that makes you happy. Yes, there are these situations where a few sacrifices have to be made (having to stay out here for one more semester), but I know I need to find things that make me happy on a day to day basis to get through the rest of my time here. My strength is all owed to God. It is incredible to look back at everything I have gone through and see that I am still standing. Honestly, it's not humanly possible, the only thing I can say is God is the reason I am still standing. At the time I didn't realize his role but now I do and no words can describe how blessed and thankful I am.

BeYOUtiful

Forget the image if how it's "supposed to be." This does nothing but ruin what is in front of you. We are all completely unique; in the way we handle situations, make decisions, deal with hardships, find happiness... the list goes on. There is no set way someone's life is "supposed" to unfold. That is the mystery and journey you take with God. A journey completely unique to you. So stop comparing yourself to others and stop comparing your life to the inaccuracies of how everything says you are "supposed" to live. Take it one day at a time and trust God on this beautiful journey we call life. Embrace the experiences you go through, have your own opinion, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Friendships

I've come to a point in my life where I realize there is not point wasting my time and energy on people or things that make me unhappy. This may sound harsh but life is too short to wake up in the morning with any regrets. You have to love the ones who treat you right and forget those who don't. Friends will come and go, it is just a part of life. You have to accept that some friends are meant to stay in your life forever and some are meant to teach you a lesson. No matter how badly you want to stay friends with someone, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And you know what? I have finally realized that it's okay to not care sometimes.  I don't care about pursuing the friendship any longer, and "sometime" just so happens to be right now. I am starting to make decisions for myself and it hasn't ended well with some people, but I just have to accept that it wasn't meant to be. This was one of those "teach you a lesson" situations I talked about earlier. If they cannot understand why I made the decisions I have, I have to realize they were never a good friend to begin with. I just have to pray for them and their immaturity, that they may be able to see one day what I stand for. Its a bummer when people think that just because you are religious you think you're better than everyone else. That is the opposite of what I want. I want to be seen in the Light of God, I want to spread his love and teachings. And this is honestly the greatest lesson I have learned. I have struggled with the thoughts of "not everyone is going to like you" and "you can't please everyone" I've always repeated this to myself over and over again and Its made sense to me, but I have never been able to truly understand what it means. In order to truly accept it, you have to let go of your worry and care caused by the people that don't like you. Once you're able to let it go, it's no longer a negative aspect in your life and it won't deeply affect you. I'm not saying it's easy, trust me I've been struggling with it for years and years. It's liberating to finally realize that it's not worth my energy to fight against someone who doesn't see eye to eye with me. I know the people that care about me and love me, and those are the people that I will devote my love and energy to. 

Find those people in your life and give your love to them. Thank God for them. 

Lord, 

Allow me to forgive those who judge me, and allow me to show through example your word. I pray for those people who are going through these situations, on both ends. I pray for the ones being rude and not understanding that they may find you. Thank you for your strength day in and day out. 

Love you!

Staying Strong

Here we go again, 

Why do I struggle so much with confidence?

It's obviously who I am. Never been one to brag or be the center of attention. My actions, grades, everything continuously show that I have something to be confident about. But I think I'm one who seeks reassurance in everything. How do I deal with that? How do I overcome it? 

This whole coach thing is strengthening me. God has a plan. I just have to be patient. Results don't come over night, not in a month, maybe not even in a year but I know they're coming. My faith is too strong. Just continuously have to remind myself to be patient. My joy is coming and it's coming on His timing. I want my timing to be in sync with his. That's what heaven is I think. By having desires and goals this allows me to recognize His power. Because ultimately His plan is far greater than what I could want and He shows it. 

Staying strong. 

Acceptance

I have come to realize that I have a hard time with acceptance. I have this vision of what I want my life to look like, now or in the future and I get frustrated/upset when it does not happen the way I invisioned. When I think about it, I know it's absolutely crazy to think I can make my life the way I want it because if there's one thing that's for certain is that all we have control over is our attitude and mind set. Sure, you can have goals, dreams, desires- but by no means should we have a set plan. That's the big guy upstairs' plan. I just have a really hard time accepting that. This does not mean I do not trust God, but I know it definitely comes off that way. I just pray I gain the ability to distinguish what I think I deserve from what God knows I need. This is where one of my favorite prayers comes in:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the thing a I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

It is so simply said and so powerful. It reminds me of my parents bathroom- my mom had it in a frame sitting on her side of the vanity, a memory I will cherish as I try to live out the prayer. 

Acceptance, I need to truly start  accepting my life in the present moment and I need to let go of my strong planned views. I know God is just laughing up there at me because when I plan all this it basically me saying "my plan is better than yours" which is by all means NOT true. His plan is powerful, loving, and perfect if we truly understand and accept but it's not as easy as it sounds. Even better though, that's the beauty of your relationship with God- you have this desire to think a certain way despite human nature and it's hard yet when you keep the strong desire and faith in God, you will one day have a realization and everything will click, and if the day doesn't come before you pass away not only do you receive ultimate redemption but you go out trying to fulfill it. God is powerful, we just have to tune in to his power. 

Dear Lord,

As I try to focus my thoughts on you throughout the day, please be patient with me when my thoughts go astray. Please understand that my ultimate desire is to be in constant communication with you, that is my deep desire. Through communication with you I can live out your word and shed my light on other people. Do not let me get discouraged when I stray, but give me the strength to recognize it and fix it. Thank you for this relationship you and I have, it is through this where I see your true beauty. Amen. 

Inspiration

I have the strong desire to show people how amazing they are. I find the best qualities in people and want them know how unique it makes them. People are so quick to critique themselves and that carries over to critiquing other people. It could be so simple as to picking out the little things in yourself such as your hair.

When you find yourself critiquing... stop... counteract it with compliment to yourself and then try to compliment one person on that same thing you critiques yourself for. (Having a bad hair day? Tell yourself your skin is glowing today and tell someone how good their hair looks) When you manufacture positive energy you have no choice but to feel good about it, and even better it spreads!  Thats one of the characteristics I love to be known for, optimism/positive energy. With everything that has happened to me in the past few months I hate to admit I lost it all for a while. I was helpless and at rock bottom. But honestly, I can say I am beyond stronger now. I have conquered adversity and my positive energy is finding it's way back and bursting through me again. 

I don't want to blame it on where I go to school but honestly the people at my school and the people in the area are nothing compared to the people I want to associate myself with. You know that quote, "surround yourself with those that will lift you up"? Yeah well I know as soon as I graduate I'm getting the heck out of there. I'm currently in a crappy situation. I would transfer today at the drop of the hat, but I'm a junior neuroscience biology major with a minor in psych and chemistry in college and have enough credits to graduate this fall. It seems extremely unreasonable to leave when I only need 11 more credits, have made so many connections with all my professors, and better yet I am SO close to being done. But here's the downfall, I am not myself out there, I am not happy, and I haven't found the people that I truly connect with.  So here's the question- to what extent to I sacrifice my happiness and my mental sanity/health? It is such a tough decision and typing it all out now my gut is telling me to stay. Tough out august-December and then I'm done. I will be able to say I overcame so much adversity, gratuated in 3 and 1/2 years as a pre-med with a concentration of neuroscience biology, and did it while playing a D1 sport which will be an incredible feeling. Something I need to do for myself. As someone who doesn't value myself as much as I should, I don't make decisions based on what is best for me. And sometimes what is best for me again is not what I want. What I want is to go home, what's best for me is to clearly stick it out for a semester and then be done. The more I talk about it, the more it excites me. So I stay, my goal will to be myself more, no matter who surrounds me and what they say about me. Deep down I am goofy, caring, loving, positive, loyal, spiritual, and faithful person. Yeah, I fear what people think to much and I need to start doing things to get rid of that fear. In order to inspire others I need to be able to love myself, entirely. For who I am, my value is given by God and no one else. I cannot wait for the day I truly comprehend that. For now I just have to stay patient and not be so hard on myself, this will allow me to confident and accept where I am at right now. It's coming. Things are only going to go up from here. 

First day of Lent. 

Goals? 

No frozen yogurt (major weakness of mine)

Going to compliment one person a day 

10 minutes devoted to God.

1. Simplicity

2. Sincerity

3. Joy 

Pleasing everyone

I have a hard time with this. I am a people pleaser, and on top of that I worry to much about what people think.

 I waste too much time trying to figure out what people are thinking- ruining myself in the process. Instead of wasting that time trying to figure out what people are thinking, I can be devoting that time to my relationship with God- allowing myself to grow both spiritually and mentally. Until recently, I never realized how much I will alter who I am for other people. These past few months have really opened my eyes to a lot. I thought I understood those saying when people said "enemies? that means you've stood up for what you believe in" or "you can't please everyone, trying to is setting yourself up for failure" but honestly looking back I did not fully understand the meaning behind those quotes. Or maybe it is not that I did not understand, I just did not listen and apply them. Ultimately, either it was because I did not know how or just did not want to make the effort. That being said, I want to make the conscious choice to fully understand the deeper meaning of those sayings/quotes. It is about time. People can go their whole lives trying to please people, but I believe that they are not allowing themselves to reach their ultimate potential. They are stopping themselves from becoming what God has set out for them to be. In other words, they are setting up for a life of unhappiness. I believe t r u e happiness lies with those who have the self-confidence, mental strength, and will power to not only make the choices needed to become the best version of themselves they can be, but to carry them out as well. Whether that is waking up 10 minutes earlier to spend alone time with God, adding exercising into their schedule, finding things to laugh at throughout the day, smiling at a stranger, learning that a relationship may no longer be beneficial, learning to let go of something, and ultimately acknowledging and accepting changes in your life. It takes time to figure out exactly what makes you happy and as time passes the things that make you happy will change. I am still trying to figure it all out, heck we all are. And of course we are never going to get it perfectly right, we are not supposed to. That is the beauty of our relationship with God.He knows what he is doing and He ultimately has our best interest, we just have to trust that. I have found when I do not worry or stress about the things I cannot control I am able to put that energy toward much more beneficial things. 

Do not alter who you are just to please people or to blend in. It takes true strength to stand up for your morals and values. Hey you will lose some friends in the process, but you have to look at it this way- if they were really your friend they would appreciate you for the real you. So if they do not appreciate the real you, I hate to say it but they were never really a true friend. It is time to start making choices for yourself. At the end of the day you are the only one that has to deal with the choices you make, so you might as well chose what is going to make yourself happy. You just have to be okay with knowing that some of those choices will piss people off, and you will find a lot of people who disagree with the way you life but it is not their life it is yours. 

Yes life is serious but nothing is for certain. At the end of the day make the decisions that will make you happy. The people that accept these choices are your true friends (and obviously family).  Love those people who treat you right (the ones who love you, care about the real you, and accept your choices) and forget about those who don't. No one said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. 

Just to add one of my favorite prayers-

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Control

Recent circumstances have really showed me this is something I struggle with. I've gone through a lot lately and yes it's been hell, but like they say there's always a good to every bad. Well throughout this rough journey, I have truly learned a lot about myself. Some good, some bad. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I am becoming even stronger, I have learned who my true friends are, but I am stubborn, insecure, lack confidence, and I feel the need to have control over any thing I encounter. The whole trying to have control over everything is a big problem. Ultimately because the only one thing we can control in life is ourselves. But even deeper, God has control. Anxiety comes from trying to control circumstances that are completely out our hands. When we try to plan our future, it's almost a slap in the face to God. And I'm the first to admit I'm one of the biggest culprits. I tell myself it's not that I don't trust Him, but my actions shout it. I worry so much about controlling my future when I know ultimately God has it all worked out for me. Honestly I think I just see what has happened around me and it scares me so that's what drives this need to control, but then again I know my competitiveness and major do not help in facilitating this as well. Being a pre-med major playing a d1 sport, planning my future has always been a thought in my mind. It's time I learn that I can control my feelings, actions, thoughts, attitude, and desires, but in no means can I control what medical school I will end up at, who I will marry, when I'll get married, the list goes on. This is where F A I T H comes in. As much as we think we can plan our future, God just sits and laughs at us because it is quite ridiculous. When we stop trying to plan our future, not only do we rid ourselves of unnecessary anxiety, we are able to put our energy towards the present moment. We are able to strengthen our relationship with God and experience the joy that comes with this relationship. Having faith in God means trusting His plan for us, trusting His timing, and the outcome that reveals itself. Everything truly does happen for a reason and sometimes we find out that reason and other times we don't. And again, faith comes in when we do not find out the reasons. The beauty of life lies in the fact that when we have full faith in God and put all our trust in him, nothing can surprise us. When we keep our eyes on Him, we are able to see all that He is doing for us, which is all we need. 

Obviously it's easier said than done but that is the beauty of faith, if it was easy it wouldn't be rewarding. We aren't perfect for a reason. When we stop trying to control our lives, we have more time and energy to devote to ourselves, this allows us to make ourselves the best versions of "ourself" we can be. When we do this, we know our values, desires, qualities, and are able to love ourself. That right there is the only tool we need to handle what is thrown our way. 

My goal- less time trying to control, more time given to God.

Transition

Life is just a series of transitions

These transitions are given by God as a way to say "what you have now no longer serves you, here is something better." Some of these transitions come when we want/expect them to, but most come when we least expect them. It is up to us to recognize and accept when one comes along. Having Faith in God that the situation at hand may be crappy now, but you have to know that things get worse so they can get better. We need to think of these transitions as a blessing in disguise. These transitions are perfect situations that are showing us we need to stop and reflect on ourselves; how do I deal with stressful situations, what do I really want out of the situation I am in and you need to tell yourself "I am strong enough to walk away" if the situation does not give you what you want . We need to take the opportunity to be strong enough to say this no longer serves me, the future may be scary but I know it is in God's hands. To me that is the beauty of faith. That fear is what allows us to lean on God and thus strengthen the relationship we have with him. 

Transition- its a powerful thing. If you think about it, they are unique to each individual. Two people going through the same sort of transition can end up on two separate paths and I believe attitude is the biggest determinant of that. If you believe what you are going through is going to ruin your life, you are giving yourself no choice but to believe it. You just foster a negative attitude and it leaves you with nothing but unhappiness. If you believe that this situation was given to you to serve a purpose and you will come out a stronger and wiser person, you are giving yourself the opportunity to see the beauty of God's work. Your optimism, with your faith in God, allows you to soak up everything out of the situation and you are able to overcome it faster and on top. 

Be strong, have faith, and take some chances. Make choices that take you out of your comfort zone. God is always right behind you to catch you if you fall. Thank God for your hardships, you'd be surprised by how much it changes your life. 

Starting to blog the words bottled up inside, let's see how this goes.