Staying Strong

Here we go again, 

Why do I struggle so much with confidence?

It's obviously who I am. Never been one to brag or be the center of attention. My actions, grades, everything continuously show that I have something to be confident about. But I think I'm one who seeks reassurance in everything. How do I deal with that? How do I overcome it? 

This whole coach thing is strengthening me. God has a plan. I just have to be patient. Results don't come over night, not in a month, maybe not even in a year but I know they're coming. My faith is too strong. Just continuously have to remind myself to be patient. My joy is coming and it's coming on His timing. I want my timing to be in sync with his. That's what heaven is I think. By having desires and goals this allows me to recognize His power. Because ultimately His plan is far greater than what I could want and He shows it. 

Staying strong. 

Acceptance

I have come to realize that I have a hard time with acceptance. I have this vision of what I want my life to look like, now or in the future and I get frustrated/upset when it does not happen the way I invisioned. When I think about it, I know it's absolutely crazy to think I can make my life the way I want it because if there's one thing that's for certain is that all we have control over is our attitude and mind set. Sure, you can have goals, dreams, desires- but by no means should we have a set plan. That's the big guy upstairs' plan. I just have a really hard time accepting that. This does not mean I do not trust God, but I know it definitely comes off that way. I just pray I gain the ability to distinguish what I think I deserve from what God knows I need. This is where one of my favorite prayers comes in:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the thing a I can, and wisdom to know the difference"

It is so simply said and so powerful. It reminds me of my parents bathroom- my mom had it in a frame sitting on her side of the vanity, a memory I will cherish as I try to live out the prayer. 

Acceptance, I need to truly start  accepting my life in the present moment and I need to let go of my strong planned views. I know God is just laughing up there at me because when I plan all this it basically me saying "my plan is better than yours" which is by all means NOT true. His plan is powerful, loving, and perfect if we truly understand and accept but it's not as easy as it sounds. Even better though, that's the beauty of your relationship with God- you have this desire to think a certain way despite human nature and it's hard yet when you keep the strong desire and faith in God, you will one day have a realization and everything will click, and if the day doesn't come before you pass away not only do you receive ultimate redemption but you go out trying to fulfill it. God is powerful, we just have to tune in to his power. 

Dear Lord,

As I try to focus my thoughts on you throughout the day, please be patient with me when my thoughts go astray. Please understand that my ultimate desire is to be in constant communication with you, that is my deep desire. Through communication with you I can live out your word and shed my light on other people. Do not let me get discouraged when I stray, but give me the strength to recognize it and fix it. Thank you for this relationship you and I have, it is through this where I see your true beauty. Amen. 

Inspiration

I have the strong desire to show people how amazing they are. I find the best qualities in people and want them know how unique it makes them. People are so quick to critique themselves and that carries over to critiquing other people. It could be so simple as to picking out the little things in yourself such as your hair.

When you find yourself critiquing... stop... counteract it with compliment to yourself and then try to compliment one person on that same thing you critiques yourself for. (Having a bad hair day? Tell yourself your skin is glowing today and tell someone how good their hair looks) When you manufacture positive energy you have no choice but to feel good about it, and even better it spreads!  Thats one of the characteristics I love to be known for, optimism/positive energy. With everything that has happened to me in the past few months I hate to admit I lost it all for a while. I was helpless and at rock bottom. But honestly, I can say I am beyond stronger now. I have conquered adversity and my positive energy is finding it's way back and bursting through me again. 

I don't want to blame it on where I go to school but honestly the people at my school and the people in the area are nothing compared to the people I want to associate myself with. You know that quote, "surround yourself with those that will lift you up"? Yeah well I know as soon as I graduate I'm getting the heck out of there. I'm currently in a crappy situation. I would transfer today at the drop of the hat, but I'm a junior neuroscience biology major with a minor in psych and chemistry in college and have enough credits to graduate this fall. It seems extremely unreasonable to leave when I only need 11 more credits, have made so many connections with all my professors, and better yet I am SO close to being done. But here's the downfall, I am not myself out there, I am not happy, and I haven't found the people that I truly connect with.  So here's the question- to what extent to I sacrifice my happiness and my mental sanity/health? It is such a tough decision and typing it all out now my gut is telling me to stay. Tough out august-December and then I'm done. I will be able to say I overcame so much adversity, gratuated in 3 and 1/2 years as a pre-med with a concentration of neuroscience biology, and did it while playing a D1 sport which will be an incredible feeling. Something I need to do for myself. As someone who doesn't value myself as much as I should, I don't make decisions based on what is best for me. And sometimes what is best for me again is not what I want. What I want is to go home, what's best for me is to clearly stick it out for a semester and then be done. The more I talk about it, the more it excites me. So I stay, my goal will to be myself more, no matter who surrounds me and what they say about me. Deep down I am goofy, caring, loving, positive, loyal, spiritual, and faithful person. Yeah, I fear what people think to much and I need to start doing things to get rid of that fear. In order to inspire others I need to be able to love myself, entirely. For who I am, my value is given by God and no one else. I cannot wait for the day I truly comprehend that. For now I just have to stay patient and not be so hard on myself, this will allow me to confident and accept where I am at right now. It's coming. Things are only going to go up from here. 

First day of Lent. 

Goals? 

No frozen yogurt (major weakness of mine)

Going to compliment one person a day 

10 minutes devoted to God.

1. Simplicity

2. Sincerity

3. Joy