Temples of His unending grace

One of my goals this year was to be more active with this blog. Well... it's the end April and I have yet to post. The old me would get all upset and worked up over this, but not anymore. I've experienced this little thing called God's grace and He has shown me the value in knowing and accepting His grace. I recently read a quote that really stuck with me:

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."

Man that is so powerful and humbling. If you think about it... we are << t e m p l e s >> of His unending grace . And the craziest part? We don't deserve any of it. I feel we can get so caught up worrying and comparing ourselves to other's lives. When we compare, we start believing that things aren't fair. This desire of "fairness" builds, but as my Pastor beautifully put it: "don't ask for 'fair,' ask for grace. 'Fair' would be paying for our daily sins, and let's be real that would not be pretty. Shift your perspective and start asking for His grace." So when you think about it the definition of grace "unmerited, undeserved, unearned favor," you begin to realize how much we don't deserve Him, yet He continues to give Himself to us: His love. His comfort. His guidance. His refuge. His everything. You begin to realize that nothing you do or do not do changes how He views us. What a flippin' relief. Every hour, every minute, every second of every day He extends Himself to us, inviting us in to be with Him. Period. Let's live as such; anticipating God will intervene any and every second.

After nearly a year passing since submitting my Medical School applications... I have 2 more schools to hear back from. 2. Out of about 30. Did I have hopes this process would have gone differently? You bet. Did I pray that I would have already gotten an interview and been accepted by now? 100%. Did I think that even if I hadn't gotten an interview I would have at least heard back from every school by now? Yup. Have I wanted to accept defeat and start planning what I am going to do next? Oh yes. However, something has been on my heart to just wait, continue to wait before making any moves. This has been one of the toughest, tiresome, draining things I have ever had to go through. I have been pressing into God and accepting His invite to meet Him where I am at as much as I can, praying that I grow with and through Him throughout this process. I am beyond thankful that I have been able to do so as much as I have. I owe it to the support and guidance from my Pastor and dear friends who have allowed me to vent and have poured Jesus in to me, fueling my desire to press in to Him. Recently, I have been playing the new Bethel CD on repeat and the song "Take Courage" struck me the first time I heard it. I am not sure if it is just me, but for some reason certain lyrics don't register or really hit me until specific moments, typically not the first time listening to the song. I began writing out this post and "Take Courage" came on... I stopped in my tracks and just sat mesmerized, listening to every single word. These lyrics could not have come at a more perfect time.

"Take courage, my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting.
Hold on to your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing"

He is IN this waiting. And He NEVER fails. Friends, isn't there is something so comforting about that declaration?! He is with us and never fails us. We think having all the answers to every part of our lives will make life so great, but in reality we don't have to have any answer to obey Him. He invites us in and asks us to be with Him. We just have to take the invitation. Pray to Him, praise Him, talk to Him, sit with Him. Shifting our perspective to make Him and His vision our priority is the answer and friends, let me tell you, it changes everything; we start to see HIM in everything.

Waiting = obeying God. (my previous post is actually about this too.. clearly there's a theme here. That post can be found here!)

It takes courage to chose to trust Him and not doubt.
It takes courage to chose to hold on to the hope He gives and not run to earthly desires.
It takes courage to chose to stand in confidence in His truths and not hide in fear and the lies we tell ourselves.

Funny thing is... He gives us the courage we need when we choose Him. HE NEVER FAILS. Let's all choose Him with confidence knowing He fills us with courage and never fails. He has already won friends. And that truth right there is enough to get me through this season. He waited for me to surrender my heart to Him and I will wait for Him to reveal His glory. This waiting may be frustrating, but knowing He is working all things together for MY good. OHHHHH man, I'll wait for that. And I will thank and praise Him for the grace He extends when I disobey.

Thank you LORD for this beautiful reminder. Thank you for the grace you so freely extend to us, daily. Thank you for your invitation to be with You every moment and thank you that none of my actions affect that.
Thank you for Your sovereignty that kindly reminds me that You have gone before me, every single step of this journey. Lord thank you for revealing Yourself to me in those moments I so desperately need You. Thank you for your love and presence that kindly reminds me You are with me every step of this journey. I lift my all my anxieties, worries, doubts, confusion, and frustration up to You, knowing You are working it all together for MY good. I will wait in obedience, knowing that when my time comes, YOUR glory will be revealed. God I thank you for being so patient with me when I disobey You, and teaching me to be patient with myself. Thank you for showing up and showing off, even when I don't ask. Thank you for Your VICTORY.


AMEN.

A season of "waiting"

I've been in a season of "waiting." Waiting for responses from medical schools, waiting for my body to heal from two surgeries, waiting waiting waiting. Today I was blessed with the lesson that "waiting" is a form of obedience to God's word/truth. This blew my mind. Of course I know He asks us to be patient often, but I always see waiting as a burden. Heck, don't we all?! We all want results now. Better yet, we all want results of OUR plan now. When I shifted my perspective of waiting as a burden to waiting as obedience, I was able to realize God's sovereignty. In my waiting place I cling to the hope that God will not leave my story unfinished or unredeemed. And it's so important to remember our story MAY NOT (and probably won't) LOOK AS WE EXPECTED but, our story is His story. We can wait with hope and we can trust and obey with confidence. Thanks be to God. know He is up to something big for me. That I know. I have this deep down feeling He is doing some great work for me I just need to be patient.
Lord grant me the patience to be obedient and wait with the Lord. When it gets hard to wait; draw my heart closer to you. Allow me to press in to your word and wisdom for the reminder. The reminder of what you and Jesus did for us. Remind me not to worry because You are in control. And WHEN things don't happen as I planned let this serve as a reminder of your sovereignty. They aren't going to happen as I planned and I need to understand that. What you are doing I could not even conjure up in my greatest of imaginations. Your plan for me is far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

Proverbs 31 Women

Can I get an AMEN?! It is so sad and scary to think how different the virtuous woman depicted in the Bible is from what society values today. Charm, beauty, among all other shallow things are all temporary. We are all so consumed about how people view us (I'm most guilty!), how many likes we can get, or followers (etc) that we go as far as twisting ourselves into something we aren't created to be. We lose sight of our Creator and quite frankly are running in the opposite direction from Him. We are created in his image and each of us are completely and 100% unique- there is no one the same as you, how beautiful is that?! Instead of changing and striving to be like someone else, get close to the Lord and He will mold you into something far greater than you could ever even imagine. Let's empower one another to stop fearing other people's opinions and start fearing the Lord, whose opinion is the only one that matterd. Let us empower one another to forget society's expectations and live loved by our mighty creator. Let us empower one another to stop wasting time conforming to unreal expectations that society values and start using that time to grow with God and let him mold us.

Present Over Perfect

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. No words to describe how powerful an transforming it was for me. This only touches upon the lessons I've learned reading this book. I recommend this book with my whole heart!

Finding beauty in the quiet times. I've always been the one who creates the most hectic crazy schedule, lives on-the-go, and avoids quiet alone time. After reading Present Over Perfect I've learned so many valuable lessons.
>>1. I am not alone. Society these days is so much about exhausting or starving yourself to get that promotion or the desirable body image on that celebrity everyone adores. We are all in it together, the only difference is what we turn to, to avoid the truth and hurt that comes with it.

>>2. What we turn to is a way of masking and avoiding the fear of what we would truly face and uncover in the alone time. For me it's creating a hectic schedule, striving for perfection, and pushing my body past its limits. For others it can be alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, negativity, anything, you name it.

>>3. All these things prevent us from listening to God's word, truly embracing it, and growing with Him.

>>4. Those things we do to avoid alone time are killing our soul. Striving for perfection is slowly killing my soul. In three of the four Gospels Jesus asks, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul." The whole world meaning whatever you've ever wanted- whatever success means to you. Striving to gain the "good life" (whatever it even means), running toward pleasing people to "prove" your worth, striving to make more money to have the fancy things, choosing to work out when your body hasn't slept properly in days, etc. So you achieve it all, under the surface of that perfect life is exhaustion, or isolation, or emptiness. There will be a deep ache from trying to prove your worth. We drain our souls in that exhausting, empty, isolating journey. We push aside something that can feel emotions and connect with people. So why are we so quick to throw our souls aside and drudge along in search of something we wouldn't even be able to enjoy? Reading that wisdom made me realize that's what I've been missing. I've learned that in this alone time I am revealing more and more of my soul. And honestly, I crave alone time more and more now. Especially when I become stressed. Instead of turning to fear and anxiety, I just want to sit in God's presence because it is the only place that is truly safe. Our souls are what allow us to connect- with God, with other people, with nature, with art. Because of this, I've been able to connect with God, people, and nature now more than I ever have in my life.

>>5. I've been so caught up in bending and twisting myself according to others that I didn't even know what I truly enjoyed or what I didn't.
I've learned how to say no- to invitations, things, people, etc. That the freedom that comes from standing up and making a decision because it's what I feel is right for me, not looking to anyone else's opinion on the matter. The meaning of my yes has come to mean so much more, when I do use it. Saying no to busyness just because, to the extra this or that because it's offered, and no to judging myself in the mirror. And saying yes to alone time, to true connection, affirmations, and to things that feed my soul.

>>6. I've learned that I've been hiding my feelings and true emotions; putting on a front to seem strong, never asking for help. That has created someone who doesn't know how to truly feel or know how to open up to people because she never has. I've leaned that in the same way that I didn't allow myself to be taken care of by people, I didn't know how to let myself be taken care of by God. I had struggled with truly grasping God's unconditional love because I've never allowed myself to be loved by anyone else. Numbing my feelings has not only prevented me from feeling hurt, but it has prevented me from feeling true joy, love, and happiness.

>>7. With that mindset of numbing everything and not addressing the hurt, I've been placing a filter on everything I perceive. Between Jesus' voice and even conversations with people.
This book has taught me that what we hear from others and Jesus is filtered through results of what we've gone through and what we've heard from people of influence (whether negative or positive). I had been letting the experience of negative influence filter what I heard from Jesus from what he was really saying. Sitting in alone time has allowed me to recognize that, address it, and work to see things for what they truly are. The friend that doesn't want to come over doesn't mean she doesn't want to hang out with me because "I'm not good enough." The compliments people give to others doesn't mean "I'm not good enough." I've been so trained to expect criticism and disappointment and to push my feelings aside that I was doing that with Jesus. His unconditional love was only felt if I had proven Him I deserved it. I was so quick to pray for forgiveness that I didn't even see what He was trying to say all along. He's telling us that He is not criticizing us for failing, He is extending His hand to pick us up and giving us wisdom to help us figure out why we are falling in the first place. Boy does that change everything. He wants to solve it with us. We just have to ACCEPT his invitation. He gives us endless love, grace, and mercy, we just have to ACCEPT it. When we do, we feel worthy and we can stop trying to find it in other places.

S A V E D B Y C H R I S T >> season of revival and growth

Saved by Christ.

I am kicking myself now for not writing this post sooner, but I have been completely overwhelmed in the best way possible with the way God is working in my life right now. More things have come to fruition than I ever thought was possible. I am gaining new knowledge and wisdom through the Lord daily and He continues to blow my mind.

My last post was right at the beginning of my revival... I had just reconnected with a dear friend/old volleyball teammate from college that I thought I lost, and a dear friend I had played softball with since I was a little girl. It is hard to put into words what exactly they have done for me, but it has been a massive blessing to say the least. God placed these two girls back in my life, at that moment, specifically to guide me back to Him. As I say it, they are God's angels sent by God to save me. Both have shed God's wisdom, love, grace, and mercy on me and have lead me to where I am now.

Friend from college/old teammate: Christina
It had been about 3 years since I had seen her. One day, I got a sudden urge to message her on Facebook; I explained how much I missed her, how I enjoyed seeing all her happiness after leaving CT through Facebook and asked her if she would want to get together. She was overjoyed I had reached out and we met up for coffee that same week. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect, but let me tell you, God knew exactly what was going to happen. Christina opened up and shared her story with me. Her vulnerability was beyond inspiring and her revival with Christ was even more so. I shared what had been going on in the past few years of my life and we were connected on such a deeper level. (Background info: When I first met Christina, back in CT, we immediately connected. As our other teammates would go tanning in between practices on double days; Christina and I would go sit in a lounge talking about life and God. I knew right then that we would be great friends. Christina saw the madness of our coach and was able to escape after her freshman year, hence the 3 years since I had seen her) Anywho, we shared something that I have never been able to share with anyone before. She understood everything I went through in CT because she was once there too. Sharing the same values, beliefs, and views, we encountered the same struggles in CT. She understood what I went through and knew exactly how I felt, which was a huuuge weight lifted off my shoulders in itself. Christina shed light on her healing through J E S U S. She fearlessly explained the truth and power residing in the Gospel. That knowledge from the Gospel comes directly through God and this allows us to connect with Him on the deepest level. Now I am not going to lie, I was born and raised Catholic and the only time I ever picked up and read a Bible was for an assignment for religion classes throughout High School. I didn't know how to read it and how exactly I would get any sort of 'wisdom' out of it and that is what was keeping me from opening it in the first place... but here is where my dear friend I played softball with comes in...

Friend from childhood, softball teammate: Jayme
Back in August of 2015, a group of us teammates got together for dinner. I sat next to Jayme and our other friend Taylor. It almost felt as if we were having our own conversation most of the time... we just reconnected very easily. As soon as Jayme and I got to talking we began to realize how much of the same person we were. We ended up sharing food and this was the start of a my huge revival. From that moment on God sent Jayme after my heart. She continuously invited me to Flood, a church service on Thursday nights. Unfortunately I had a prior engagement on Thursdays; I was training for a half-marathon and Thursdays was a group run. A month later Jayme, Taylor, and I attended a worship night called Ignite and not to be funny... this truly ignited a spark inside me. I had never listened to worship music and never understood the power of it, however that night I was inspired and even more intrigued to try and make Flood one night. Of course God has a funny way of working out. Soon after Ignite, I had received the news that I should not run on my knee because of the extremely crappy condition it is in (3 surgeries later). This meant I would be a fool to continue training and run in the half marathon. Devastated on a whole new level for many reasons; I am never the one to listen to my body, give up on a challenge, or not complete something I said I was going to, to name a few. Unable to run any more... my Thursday nights became free and I attended Flood with Jayme for the first time.
I was immediately overwhelmed and overjoyed with the sense of God's love, a beautiful community, and complete peace with being uncomfortable. Again, I was completely in new waters after attending Catholic masses for 22 years of my life. Yeah it was awkward and uncomfortable because it wasn't what I was used to, but I experienced God's presence and felt God speaking that day more than I had in any Catholic mass I attended in my 22 years of life. That discomfort yet complete peace can only be explained through God. I was terrified and in awe all at the same time. A feeling I now know to follow in a lot places in life.. i.e. going to medical school- it completely terrifies me yet excites me all at the same time. It is how I know I am headed towards where God is leading me.

Flood. Flood. Flood. The magical Thursday nights that have impacted my life in more ways than I can explain. I was immediately captivated by the Pastor, Brian. I love the way he speaks- I am able to soak up every piece of knowledge and wisdom he sheds every Thursday night. He is beyond caring and goes out of his way to ask how my relationship with Jesus is going throughout the week. One night at Flood, Brian explained he was going to hold meetings for those who wanted to teach us how to read the Bible. Completely terrified yet completely compelled, I signed up and met with Brian. I just remember how embarrassed I felt because I didn't even own a Bible!! That day I met with Brian was the day my entire perspective changed... I began seeing things through God. I opened up to Brian, giving him a brief background on my life story. I was explaining the hard times I went through in CT and how I have been continuously asking God why, why I went through that, why didn't I go to another school where I could have been happier, why did I stray so far from Him, the list goes on but as I was speaking that, it hit me, it wasn't until I began to come to Flood, learned God's wisdom and grew closer to Him that if the only reason I was at SHU was to break me enough to get closer to Him, as I am now, then I don't care. All the hurt, all the pain, everything was worth it." Brian immediately opened his Bible and read 2 Corinthians 1:8-10, "For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." I broke out in tears as he read this to me. This was such a Jesus moment for me. For those that know me, I rarely cry, if ever YET the fact that Brian read three verses in a book of the Bible and I was in tears was straight proof of Jesus. It was unreal. I was there to learn how to read the Bible and I was completely exposed to how much truth it holds, first-hand. Brian taught me some tips and tricks and even bought me my first Bible a special moment that words won't come close to describing. That moment I completely understood the truth the Bible held that Christina was telling me about. Even more so, through the Gospel I have grown so much in God's wisdom it is truly indescribable and blows me away.

I have continually been able to see God's presence and hear His voice in ways I never knew were possible. The truth and wisdom I have acquired over just these past months have shifted my view on EVERYTHING. I cannot wait to grow even deeper with God throughout the rest of my life. Most recently at Flood, Brian said "You never know what things in the past God will use to show you He's been speaking to you all along and pointing you toward what He has next." WOW, how beautiful and spot on is that?! There are many ways I connected with that statement. 1) I met both Jayme in Christina in my past and God used them to show me what He's been speaking to me all along, pointing me to what He has next (my revival!) 2) We don't always see what God is doing now, but you see it on His time, which is the right time; Prior to my revival I was lost and mad at God and wondering why I had gone what I went through, yet looking back I now see what God was doing in my life. I had no idea what I was going through was preparation leading me back to Him. I now want to share my story on how my life is completely changed in the best way possible all because of Him! 3) The things you get out of what He tells you or reveals to you at a certain time can mean something completely different on a different day; I can go back in my journal and read what I wrote about a specific verse and I can connect with THAT same thing I wrote down with a completely different situation and different meaning... that to me just completely blows my mind!! 4) Just because He is silent right now does not mean He is not with you; We have to be okay with the quiet times because they push us to seek Him even harder.

I honestly cannot thank God enough for continually pursuing my heart, loving me even when I strayed, for showing me His presence, for giving me the people in my life who have lead me to Him and continue to push me to grow deeper and stronger in Him, standing alongside me as I continue to gain His wisdom.

<< Saved by His grace. Sitting in His love. Grateful for His mercy. >>

I have never been happier or prouder to say, I am a Child of God!

Transition of Identities: What's Next?

It's been over a year since I have written a post. I am not sure why, but I did have some hesitations about the blog. I just found this typed out on a sticky note on my computer from August 16th of this year... bear with me it is a long one, but I promise it is good:

"8.16.15 Transition of Identities: What's Next? 

I have been known as an "athlete" ever since I was a little girl. I have been involved with a sport for as long as I can remember. Growing up I competitively played soccer, softball, swim, gymnastics, to name a few. I quickly became known as the competitive player; I would do anything to lead my team and would cry if I lost. I fully admit I was a sore loser.. well maybe still am. Even outside of practice I was always on the go; I would organize hide and seek, tag, and baseball games in our coul-de-sac or with my friends. Whatever it was I was always full of energy and loved to be moving. Fast forward to high school; I decided to try out for the volleyball team for the fall and would play softball in the spring. I made the volleyball team and loved learning about the game. Thanks to my athleticism, I quickly picked up the game and I truly enjoyed the challenge. I was playing travel softball along with high school volleyball at the time. Now it was time for high school softball and tryouts for club volleyball. In which I played both again. After playing through both sports high school and travel ball for a year I realized it was not do-able if I wanted to keep up my academics. This meant it was time to decide which sport I would stick with; the sport I have been playing since I could walk, or the sport that sparked a new found love, energy, and challenge. I decided to take the challenge and I pursued volleyball. I began to improve and I soon earned a scholarship to play D1 volleyball in CT. Here is where the story gets good. I was unbelievably excited to get away for four years and play the sport that I have grown to love. My first year was amazing and it exceeded any expectation that I had envisioned. I started, and played well, and we won our conference and went on to play Stanford in the NCAA tourney. After a year like that I only imagined the other teams we would play the next four years in the tourney. Unfortunately, those expectations, dreams, and visions came to a shattering and very unexpected quick end. The second year was a little rough, with a lot of mental games from my Coach.  

Confidence has always been something I struggled with, it is genetic. I have been able to scape by through my hard work, athleticism, and ability to listen, but I always felt one step behind. This put a damper on my mental state and my coach was not understanding one bit. This is where I began to notice he was not the man he portrayed him self to be.  Moving me positions, saying contradictory things, benching me for no reason, etc. I moved it aside as I had so much respect for my team I didn't care what it took, as long as we were winning... well that would have been great if we were winning, but we weren't. The season ended and we did not make the NCAA tourney. I stayed hopeful, I have two more years to turn this around. Learning I was to be a captain for my junior year I was so excited. I worked hard all summer, got in great shape and was ready to come back and kick butt. Meanwhile that summer I dealt with a significant family issue and to make things more complicated I was taking Physics summer course to stay on top for my pre-med major too. 

Anywho, I came back from summer and the pre season started full swing. From day one the mental games from my coach started. It was so noticeable I even had the new freshman coming up to me asking "why is coach treating you like that?" "what are you even doing wrong?" "you are doing what he asks and still yells at you." Words coming from my teammates. And this was just the beginning. It was a constant battle whether or not I should have stood up for myself, but I've always been the non-confrontational type. Which, I truly think is why I was chosen for his mental games, I was an easy target and he knew that. Well, to make a long story short, the games continued the whole year and I saw the court very rarely. Again, I would have no problem if we were winning, but we were losing miserably and embarrassingly. Teams we were crushing in prior years were now crushing us. And to top it off, he was even more cruel to me because we were losing. Daily threats to be kicked off the team, daily mockings, and getting screamed at. We lost the season and didn't even make our conference championships. I had an injury the whole season and was so afraid to even mention anything because it would make what was going on even worse. I had NO idea how much this really affected me until just recently. I went to administration for help and notified them all that had happened. My dad advised to go to a counselor too, in which I did. I feel like I was going through the motions every appointment and even though I told her most of what happened I couldn't get across how much it affected me. However, she spoke with my dad once and stated "I didn't even need her to tell me how much it has affected her, I could see it from the moment she walked in and started telling me the story." Any who, after that season, I was looking to transfer. I was willing to do anything to get away from CT, and specifically my coach. However, any school I wanted to transfer to would only accept 60 credits max, I had 108 and only needed 12 more to graduate. It seemed extremely unreasonable to transfer and have to take two more years of classes. So the idea of graduating early came up and I pursued it. However, that would mean I had one more season of volleyball left with this coach, in which I had no interest in. On top of that after the last season, I found out I would need another knee surgery. So I decided to get the surgery after I took the MCAT and I went back to finish off my senior year. I quickly transitioned from being captain to being the scum on my coaches shoe. And it was perfectly okay with me because I was not emotionally invested in the program anymore. I know how terrible it sounds, trust me, but I wasn't going to let him affect me anymore and I wasn't going to let him win. Season came and went and sure enough senior night came. My last collegiate volleyball game, ever. It didn't register or settle with my until now. The identity I have made for myself these past 8 years of competitive volleyball and 18 years of competitive sports is now just an old chapter in my book. I am no longer a division 1 volleyball player, let alone a part of any competitive sport. Aside from mentally healing from family issues and an asshole coach, I haven't been able to truly spend time creating a new identity for myself or better yet finding my identity through a relationship with God. 

A lot has changed in the past few years and I couldn't even tell you what identity I am seeking, i.e. doctor, nurse, physician's assistant, physical therapist. And that is truly killing me.  I have a personality where I need to feel like I have a purpose and lately I haven't payed much attention to much of any of that. I have lost touch with God, once agin, and have completely turned into someone my old self would have despised. I cannot be too hard on myself right now because I am battling health issues. This is where it gets hard- what is me and what is the health issues affecting who I am. I KNOW the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, and the horrible attitude is not who I am and this is what kills me. I have promised myself time and time again to devote more time to writing, praying, and actually making a step in the right direction but I have been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted and it felt like I keep making excuses. Writing this out, I know once I develop a relationship with God again, this will allow me to become who I am designed to be. My identity will be one that God has deliberately and beautifully planned just for me.

Graduating pre-med plus all the experiences I have been through recently have put a LOT of stress and pressure on me and my body is paying for it.  

My weaknesses are when I get in to a certain mood, I tend to focus on comparing other people's lives and situations to mine- which is highly unreasonable. Everyone's life is unique and I try and go back to that quote, "comparison is the thief of all joy." The more you think about that, the more it's truth hits you.  My life is mine and it is beautiful just as God has made it. 

I also tend to wonder why things aren't happening in my life at this moment in time- i.e. boyfriend, medical school, own apartment, etc. And again it's not fair to myself. This is where a beautiful and powerful bible verse comes in: 

Trusting God's plan takes courage, bravery, and most importantly hard work. Everything happens under His time and that is something I really need to focus on, daily. It should be a daily reminder.

God, when I get in these moods please bring me to Your attention. Allow me to be cognizant of Your power, love, and plan and the small phrases that will help me do that.  Again, I know He has a beautiful plan for me and I cannot wait to walk hand in hand with him to find out.

I recently found this note I wrote to myself during my last semester of college. I didn't realize how powerful it would be to me now. 98% of the time I am extremely hard on myself, in all aspects of life. However, there are these rare glimpses where I write down powerful words to myself and don't find till months later. After assuring myself I am worthy and work hard, a piece of the note read "I will not give up on my dream. I am no ordinary person. I am destined to do extraordinary things. I need to continue to believe that." Honestly, I wouldn't normally share things like that but I am really beginning to understand that loving yourself and believing in yourself is one of the most important tools to success. I have struggled with a lack of confidence all my life and I am just beginning to understand that through loving God, He will show you your worth and through trusting God you can believe it. I believe God was working through me whenever I would write the rare notes to myself. And I truly think occasionally writing notes to yourself is a great way to keep your mind on the God's truth, which is you ARE worthy and you CAN conquer your dream."

So... what's next? It is really weird that I just found this note today because it wasn't until very recently that I could have answered this question as I am now: 

I will delve further into my recently revived relationship with Christ in my next blog post but to close out this post...  the only identity I need is in Christ. What's next is I am a Christ Follower. That is my identity and I am working toward rebuilding a powerful relationship with God by walking with Christ. My identity is in Christ, period. These quotes are a little reminder of that:

Much love xo

 

Homesick

April 11, 2014

I'm at the point where I have been looking through old pictures from summer, just wishing I was home right now. It's almost Easter and if you don't know me, I am a big family person. Being away from home around the Holidays is one of the hardest things. Not too much stands in the way of going home, 35 days until Ireland. Now this is something I literally cannot wait for (saving it for another blog post). Anywho, after Ireland it'll be home home home. I mean I will be locked in my room studying 24/7 but I really won't mind it.  MCAT is scheduled for July 2nd. Mixed emotions- stressed, frightened, excited, all of the above.
Home means a lot to me now a days. When I was in high school and a freshman in college I was so happy to get away. I wanted to go explore and immerse in a different experience. As the years have passed by, I get more and more homesick. It definitely caused by the series of things I have gone through, with each thing I just realize how important it is to me to be around the people I love and the people that care about me. Life is honestly too short to live anywhere other than a place that makes you happy. Yes, there are these situations where a few sacrifices have to be made (having to stay out here for one more semester), but I know I need to find things that make me happy on a day to day basis to get through the rest of my time here. My strength is all owed to God. It is incredible to look back at everything I have gone through and see that I am still standing. Honestly, it's not humanly possible, the only thing I can say is God is the reason I am still standing. At the time I didn't realize his role but now I do and no words can describe how blessed and thankful I am.